50 minutes

I might tear myself apart

Just to see whats inside

And if I pry apart my rib cage

There will be nothing left to hide

And I think I am a void

I think I’m black and all consuming

And if you look inside

You’ll see I’m not quite human

I’m wired a little wrong

All this time

Folding secrets like paper cranes

But they are tearing at my insides

And I am more than little frayed

And I can’t connect

I try

But I just can’t connect

I’m trapped under ice

It doesn’t take 50 minutes to say,

cold, tired and nothing

So I’ll fill in the space

With conclusions I’ve made

But nothing can unravel

me

I can’t break through the ice

And everything outside

Is beautiful

It’s really beautiful

But I can’t be a part of it

And I walked around the house

Empty hollows between my bones

And I think

I’m the kind who is best alone

So no one sees the echo

When I fall

When I cave in

When no one is looking

That will the time

That I find a way to end it

I think to myself

I’ve written a future

And I know where it is going

And every time I try to get off the path

I can’t shake the knowing

Cause I’m the kind

who will give in

I am so tired of pain

I chase a numbness

And illusions of being sane

By patching together

Broken pieces

I’m trying to be a person

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Safe with you

I said she’s like the sea

Something about her calms me

I should have known then

I should have known

Cause I’ve always loved the ocean

And drowning is how I’d choose to go

Well is this drowning?

 Feeling weightless

Waves surround me

She is safety

maybe thats why its such a surprise to me

I swore I’d never fall again

I was so content to be alone

But now I’m craving

I saw nobody in my future

Gave up on needing saving

But this is not saving

It is healing

She is soft

Butterfly kisses

And warm tears

She is safe

She is a home

I can imagine in her arms

She gives so much love

I might just want her to lay the kisses

On me like she promises

But I know that’s just how she loves

I’m just a friend

She loves somebody else

It’s ok

She told me my lips look soft

And now when she calls me love

I may just feel it curl around my heart like an embrace

I want to go back, stay longer

Look at her longer

Realise sooner

I could be safe with her

My heart could be safe with her

I wonder if one day that will be true

If its not, if a few words are all I get

Last night I said I love you

You with universes inside

You with poetry in your words

And meaning in everything

You who is only genuine

Who is soft, who is clumsy

Who is beautiful

You.

You who I’d trust with my heart

If you’d take it

But I won’t ask that yet

Maybe not at all

….where i return

Days pass in the haze of a dream, some i doubt exist at all, some are so real that they sting like the sharp tip of a knife, some crawl, they twist and writhe, some laze, languidly stretching out, and in some i wonder if i’m awake at all, it’s either too painful or too distant.

 

021018

Do i over complicate

over compensate

over think?

Am i making this worse

dragging you down

we’ll sink

And everything in me

is saying i should leave

cause nothing is better off

with me

But you’re telling me to stay

and i promised i would

I promised i would

But you say

why are you still like this ?

and if i knew

I could fix it

But i don’t

I don’t think

i’m even something

you should try and fix

 

 

 

 

 

06112018 (the posts i never pressed publish on)

Today i sat down in my weekly therapy session, the familiar feeling of shame coiling in my gut, shame that  I need this, shame that I can’t cope with it on my own, shame to be asking for help, when this can’t be helped.

But here i am, 5 sessions in, and it’s taken me two weeks to pluck up the courage to sit in that chair again, she asked me how i was….I don’t know.

“Up and down.” I said. The minute dragged passed. “It’s been hard.” I said. another minute passed, i’m telling myself i should just say it, say something,  “I’ve been bursting into tears a lot,” I admit staring out the window, at the floor, anywhere other than her, “It’s weird, i don’t cry, like i never cry, it’s not an easy way of of expression  for me, but lately, i just cry at the oddest moments, and then it stops, and I’m numb again.” its a grey day, the outside world was dulled, and muted, seeming to pass slower than usual. “Normally i understand why i’m feeling something but lately i can’t balance everything, it’s all or nothing I’m either numb, or i’m overwhelmed. and i can’t get it back.”

“How long?”

“I mean probably before, but since the last session, it’s been worse.”

“And when was the last time you felt like this?”

“often, but not for this long, not since January, February,  it is never usually this consistent for this long.”

“Can you say what you feel.”

Moment passed, and i stutter, trying to get the words out, because they’ve been in me for weeks, and i still can’t wrap my mind around it. “I just really, really hate myself. and i keep looking for things i like, or something, because i always hate myself, so i make a list of things i’m proud of, but lately, there’s nothing, there’s not a single thing i like, I hate myself, i hate who i am, what i am, everything.”

Beat, and i expect the sky to fall down, for teh people who love me to dive in and list out all the reason i’m wrong for feeling this. but instead she just looks at me.

“That’s a really strong feeling isn’t it?”

“Its consuming.”

“And what does it sound like?”

“Me?.

“What does it look like?”

“Me.”

“is there anything else to it?”

I paused. “I could say it’s a dark version of me, or something, but it’s not, it’s me, as i am. It’s me sitting here right now, it’s even me when i’m smiling and laughing and look OK. Its exactly like me.”

 

 

Me

I hate myself

I hate my body

I hate my skin

I hate every single thing within

I hate myself

I hate my words

I hate my voice

I hate every single little choice

I hate myself

I hate my soul

I hate my heart

I hate that I am tearing myself apart

I hate me

I hate me

I really really hate myself

And I can’t think of anything else

Retracing our steps

I want to blame the moon, the sun, the stars, I want to scream at the heavens and lay blame on them, because something must bear this weight other than my home. Can something take responsibility and give me an answer, any answer.

Shaped like the moon, it’s beautiful.

Every turn
The change
Youre in quicksand
Too aware to lash out
But feel it
Bringing you down
And every turn has left a scar
This one shaped like the moon
Ironically
It’s beautiful
You know you shouldn’t feel that
That you should hate it
But it’s like a tattoo
You left yourself with something
Lasting
To remind you how you moved
Past it

It would never have worked

Were you once so small

You’d thought you’d drown

In a place so shallow

Now in depths too deep

you helplessly float

over things you can’t see

and things you can’t know

Did you really think this would kill you?

Clear waters

A crystal dive

Familiarity would have forced you

To survive

This is who you are

you always breathe

But you’re never alive

These waters can’t drown you

Fire doesn’t even hurt you

You are the bug that won’t crushed

Somehow alive

When so much has died

So chase it all you please

But the end is something you won’t reach

Robot

It feels like cold water, Ice chases after

It’s too cold. This fire might just warm up my soul

I’ve got a letter folded and refolded.

Helplines, but I’m better pretending to be just fine

But I’m agitated, don’t think I’ll make it another day

Damn something has to break

But pretend, we’re better off plastic and fake

so make me a robot

All mechanics and mind

Make this skin less damaged and tired

Health is not a privilege I get to choose

This body and mind are damaged and used

So, make me a robot

A painless disguise

These pills don’t heal everything

But they sooth this tired, tired mind

Cut the strings to the limbs that are filled with ice

Nothing feels real

Or worn

Or mine

 I escape into the world that they built

It’s fake, but I don’t care

I can’t feel